I am soooo Lucky!

Dr. Michael L. Ford

30 March 2008

            I am so lucky! To look at me you would wonder how I could be making such a claim. Looking at me you would see an old fat man setting in a wheelchair with bags under his eyes, hair that needs a barber, and even a day old beard. You would never guess I am a multi billionaire who has won just about every lottery you could think of, except my home State Georgia Lottery, usually in increments of £10,000,000. Yes that’s right. I have won the Australian Lottery, the UK Lottery, the Microsoft Lottery. And I have won all these lotteries more than twenty times apiece. It seems like once I even won a Singapore Lottery, if memory serves me correctly. And, you know what? I have won them all without ever buying a lottery ticket or even knowing the lotteries existed. The German Lotto has contacted me about playing, but since I did not play it when I lived in Germany I see no reason to start now.

            Then there have been all the sickly widows from around the world who were dying to give me some of the huge fortunes amassed by their deceased husbands who were inconsiderate enough to die without giving them children. I am not too sure they would have offered me all those great and varied sums had they been able to see how I look. Guess I was lucky there too! Some had wanted to fund my ministry, have me establish orphanages and schools, but they always assured me I was free to do what I thought best with the money. I never knew there were so many rich widows dying with awful afflictions in my life. They have wrote me from Kuwait, Nigeria, Uganda, and a host of other places, even though their addressed often looked like they were from some place else. But who am I to tell an ailing, dying widow, without any children I noticed such inconsistencies?

            Then there are the barristers (lawyers) who have written to inform me I was the sole surviving nearest relative to a man whose name is unlike anybody I have ever heard of in my family tree. All these poor fellows either died with their immediate families or their wives and children were lost in some other way. I hate to say it, having lost so many close relatives and all, but if they had not died, the sorrow of such losses might have killed them!

            All these people wanting to give me money! But I really drew the line at money laundering, Imagine me trying to explain to the IRS all those millions of dollars former bank managers and agents for foreign governments were wanting to deposit into my back account and reward me handsomely for doing so. Even when I got an e-mail from the FBI assuring me on behalf of one person that such a transaction was all above board and honest, it just did not seem ethically right to me to help them bring so much money out of their impoverished country. I wrote the FBI about it, but with their usual non-communication they did not respond.

Frankly, I did not believe the guys who said they were US soldiers who had found huge amounts of currency just laying around and they said it was quite legal for them to transfer it back home, they just needed my help. You would not have been allowed to keep even found money back when I was in the military. I think you had to be a General or a member of the State Department to do something like that. So I was suspicious of those guys and their story. Besides I already had enough people promising me untold riches from all the other benefactors I did not need to get involved in some shady scheme or other.

Would you believe that in spite of all the lotteries I have won and dying bequeaths I have been promised, Snopes.com, the searchable database for email hoaxes among other things, assures me I have not yet exhausted all the possibilities for what I might win! Can you believe it? Of course so far I have not received any of the riches. I tell them to send me the money by check instead of using bank transfers so they do not need my account or any other information since they already have it. I tell them to subtract the fees involved from the winnings since I am poor as a church mouse. It is kind of like the t-shirt and laptops I have been promised by Arca-Max for going through their offers. Nothing has arrived yet. But I am sure it is going to happen any day now. Aren’t you? I am sooo lucky!